Oh Porings! Humor Collection
by Oh Porings
Summary: The humor contest entries from a while back at the Oh Porings! forum. Take a looksie.
1. First Place: Tela

The humor story contest entries from the Oh Porings! forum that I was too lazy to post on ffnet and forgot about. They're all short. Somehow mine won, but only by one vote. I suck at humor though...

* * *

**Untitled Humor Story**  
By Tela

_"You wanna know my life story?" _

"Yeah, I'm supposed to find an old person and interview them about their life."

"WHAT! I'm not that old!"

"…you're 95 years old."

"…you're a little punk, you know that?"

"Yeah, people tell me that a lot."

"Well fine then, what's the first question?"

"How and why did you become a priestess?"

"It was destiny! The Gods determined my fate to be greatness and full of passionate—"

"Gawd, you're so weird."

"Shush you punk. Fiiiiine, I'll tell you the real thing. It started in Geffen after I left home…" 

She really had no idea about what she wanted to be. She knew she wanted to venture out and make a life, and perhaps a name for herself. She knew she wanted an adventure and it began that very morning. The day was bright and sunny, perfect for adventuring. She left the gates of Geffen, armed with a knife and a lot of faith on her side. The amber eyed novice hacked her way through the vicious Fabre on the Geffen Bridge, happily gaining valuable experience.

She slowed down to a halt as she came upon a large butterfly. It was so pretty, but being the _smart_ girl she was, she sliced at it. She immediately regretted it when the butterfly attacked her. "AHHH! Omigodomigod!" she squealed as she ran as fast as her legs could carry her. When she finally got away, she stopped to rest under the shade of a large tree. "Note to self, do not attack the butterflies."

"Hey!" She heard a male voice say. Looking up, she saw a party of four boys about her age. The mage was the one that called to her and he led the others, a swordsman, an archer, and another mage. They joined her under the tree, obviously taking a break themselves. "Hey, what's your name?" the first mage asked. He sure was friendly, she thought. Personally, she thought with his long hair and the typical mage uniform that he looked like a girl.

"Um, Aletta. What's yours?"

"I'm Dacosta," the mage answered and then pointed to the three boys with him. "The swordsman is Jake, the archer is Bryan—"

"And I'm Terrance, the best mage in the business and the most handsome to boot. Wanna marry me, sweet cheeks?" the third boy interrupted and flashed her an arrogant smirk. The other three boys simply rolled their eyes. Now this Terrance really looked like a girl. Soft feminine features and all.

"Huh…I thought you were a girl."

The next sound was that of an ego shattering into a thousand pieces. Aletta was rather good at bringing people's heads down from the clouds.

She smiled anyway and offered to share her lunch with them. They gladly accepted and told her about their travels so far. The four of them had just changed into their first jobs and were eager to become stronger and advance. Aletta wanted the same thing so of course she got along with the boys very well.

As they talked, the subject of her job came into question. They asked what she wanted to be and she honestly had no idea! They laughed and said it was okay, but she should come with them. They could certainly help her out.

"You know, we could use a healer in the group," Bryan commented as he finished his sandwich. The other two nodded in agreement. Terrance snorted.

"Hmm…that might be fun!" she grinned. "I just need to figure out where to go…" She wouldn't mind being an acolyte, but she didn't know the first thing about them. Dacosta assured her that it was simple and that he could show her where she needed to go and what she needed to do. He also mentioned that she had to go to Prontera, where the church was, of course. After lun—

_"Wait, wait, wait…**that** was how you decided to become an acolyte? Someone chose for you?" _

"You got a problem with that?"

"Eh, just keep talking you old bat."

"OLD BAT! HOW DA—"

"Come oooon already. I want to get this story before you kick the bucket."

"You're just asking for trouble, you know?"

"Yep. Come on! Continue!"

"Ahem! After lunch…" 

They five of them had decided to go back out and train for a while and would set out the next day for Prontera. Aletta was ecstatic. Her adventure was really beginning! Night came and left and they all woke up bright and early to set out. Well, all except Aletta. She really loved her sleep. After half an hour of prodding at the sleepy novice with fingers, sticks, and the occasional rock, she finally woke groggily.

At last, they made their way to the capital city. Unfortunately, being poor meant they had to take the long way and walk to Prontera rather than warp by Kafra. It didn't really matter though, they were in high spirits. By evening time, they could see the city gates of Prontera.

_"This story is lame." _

"…I wonder if your mom would care if I smashed your windpipe…"

"…uhh…"

"That's what I thought. Come back tomorrow if you can behave." 


	2. Second Place: Ellie0223

Ellie came in second place!

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**Another Untitled Humor Story  
**By Ellie0223

"So, you haven't told me who you're liking now in days."

"That's none of your business."

"Awh, come on! Your business is my business!"

"No, my business is my business."

"Please!? Why can't you just tell me!"

"I don't want you to know."

"But I wanna know!"

"That's to bad now isn't it?"

"I bet you it's that one guy."

"What one guy?"

"The one with the...um...sword."

"A lot of guys have swords."

"I have a...staff and a book!"

"So I guess you're excluding yourself out of the picture."

"Nah, I'm just saying. Really though, that one guy."

"I have no idea who you're talking about."

"The one with the...the...um...chicken thing."

"Chicken?"

"Yeah, chicken."

"They're called Pecos, Reavene."

"Pecos! Yeah that is exactly what I meant."

"Wait, are you talking about Callin?"

"The Lord Knight?"

"Yeah..."

"Yeah, him!"

"Reavene that's my cousin. No."

"Well what about the other guy."

"What other guy?"

"The one with the funky shoes."

"You're becoming irritating."

"Then why don't you leave?"

"..."

"My sexiness is overwhelming to you, I know."

"Shut up. Anyways..."

"You know who I'm talking about though...the singing guy!"

"Zaphen?"

"Probably."

"He's married."

"Adultery?"

"Just shut up."

"Why do you have to be so stubborn!?"

"Why do you have to be so nosy?"

"Because I wanna know!"

"You really that bored?"

"No, just interested."

"Interested in what?"

"Nothing. So is it that stalker guy?"

"Wow, you actually named a job for once."

"Really?"

"Yeah..."

"Oh, I just meant that he was following you."

"Well no, I don't like a stalker."

"..."

"What?"

"You don't like a girl do you?"

"..."

"OW! Palenia that hurt!"

"You deserved it."

"My beautiful face is going to be bruised."

"Shut up. You're cocky."

"But you love me."

"I never said that."

"You should tell the person you love who you like."

"That doesn't make sense."

"It does in my book. Now what about that short guy?"

"I've never dated someone shorter then me."

"You also haven't dated your cousin but he's still under consideration."

"I really have no idea who you're talking about."

"Remember when we went to Geffen and you went out on the bridge to help him kill the porings..."

"He was a novice!"

"Maybe you like them younger."

"You're disgusting."

"Eh, he didn't seem like your type anyways."

"Oh, so I have a type?"

"Why of course."

"What exactly is my type then?"

"You know..."

"No I don't."

"Well they'd have to be good looking."

"I'd prefer."

"They can't be wimpy."

"Looks are just a bonus remember."

"They'd have to be able to take your abuse, and understand that you're moody."

"Should I find this offensive?"

"They have to know that you never take anyone seriously..."

"I do so!"

"...and that you're gullible beyond belief."

"Am not!"

"Also they have to know that you tend to sleep more during the day then you do at night and that you like to leave right when you wake up to train."

"..."

"Did I say they had to be good looking?"

"Yeah you mentioned that."

"Oh well, it's probably the only thing that's important."

"..."

"STOP HITTING ME...that hurts!"

"Pft, I barely touched you."

"Why can't you just tell me who?"

"Not gonna happen."

"Just give me a hint!"

"He's not bad looking."

"I think we've established that you're as shallow as a...shallow basket."

"Aren't you creative."

"You're rubbing off on me. Ok, give me another hint."

"Well he's really nice, and he understands me pretty well..."

"That limits it a bit..."

"I spend more time with him more then anyone else..."

"...and..."

"...but he can be kind of annoying at times."

"Well then...hey wait a second..."

"He's also kind of cocky but he can be really sweet, on occasion."

"..."

"He also doesn't like people that ride chickens."

"Pecos!"

"Same thing."

"So how long has this person been under consideration?"

"Quite some time."

"I bet you he's dashing."

"There's always that possibility."

"A complete sex god!"

"Wouldn't go that far."

"But you like him right?"

"Just a little."

"He might like you too."

"Oh really?"

"Yeah, he doesn't like getting hit though so it might not work out."

"I still can't believe you said I liked girls."

"Hey! Nothing wrong with a little..."

"Pervert!"

"OUCH! What happened to the 'not liking getting hit' concept."

"Oh, so you think the guy is you?"

"I'm thinking about it."

"I never said it was."

"How could you not love this sexiness?"

"Cocky much?"

"But you love me."

"There's always that possibility."

"Darling, possibilities are endless."

"I've limited them down a bit though."

"I have to say, your cousin might out do me."

"So we've agreed it's you?"

"Yeah I think so."

"He doesn't out do you if that's what you're thinking."

"Well in that case, I love you too." 


	3. Third Place: Alchemygeek

Dessie came in third place. I voted Dessie!

* * *

**Sunsets  
**By Alchemygeek

"Sunsets are always so beautiful," a dancer commented wistfully, gazing out at the multicolored sky before her. She smiled softly, looking over at the other people making up her small group of friends. "But, you know. It's even better when you watch the sun setting with that special someone you want to spend your whole life with. It's so romantic. And, of course, if you don't have a special someone at the moment, sharing this time with friends is also a great idea."

"Yeah," a knight replied, inching closer and closer to the dancer. "However, no matter what you might say, it's always ten times better to watch a scene like this unfold in someone's arms." Upon saying these words, the knight quickly wrapped his arms around the dancer.

It was at this moment; the two blonde priests of the group spoke up. "You shouldn't…" the female chimed while the male finished her sentence. "…Do that, Aiden."

As soon as the last words left the smirking priest's lips, a loud slap of flesh hitting flesh rang through the forest; the sound seemed to bounce off each of the trees.

The priest, Roland, whistled appreciatively. "Nice one, Maeve." He turned to look at the priestess next to him. "Eirian, remind me never to get on Maeve's bad side."

"Roland, never get on Maeve's bad side."

"…."

Eirian grinned widely. "You never told me when you wanted me to remind you, dear," she chimed, clinging possessively on Roland's shoulder. "So it's not my fault if you're annoyed with me. Right?"

The couple's antics were cut short when the last member of the group, the rogue named Nyx, started laughing. "You guys are a comedy duo," he breathed out. "Constant entertainment. And, Aiden. Seriously, man. You need to get a life. It's obvious Maeve doesn't like you and she most likely won't be falling head over heals for you anytime soon. Especially if you keep up your oh so very wonderful antics. You can tell that they really work wonders. Look at all the girls fawning over you."

The knight rolled his eyes. "Shut the hell up, Nyx. You have no idea what you're talking about. I don't see you with any girls."

The rogue grinned. "You don't see them because you don't look hard enough. By the way, you should probably get some ice on that cheek. It's going to bruise if you don't do something to it."

Aiden grumbled some inaudible and turned away from the group.

"Drama Queen!" Roland and Eirian exclaimed simultaneously.

Roland kneeled next to the wounded knight and put a comforting hand on his back. "But, we love you anyway."

"Even if you are a self-centered jerk who doesn't know when to quit," Eirian commented.

"And you're an arrogant playboy who only thinks about money, food and girls. You don't like physical pain, yet you do things that you know will get you slapped. In other words, you're an idiot," Maeve added.

"You're not too bad with a sword, however. But, on the other hand, you need work in many places. At times, you're a coward and you tend to get drunk very quickly. A horrible trait, if you ask me. You tend to talk in your sleep, and at times you even snore. It's a wonder I can even sleep when we have to share a room," Nyx smirked as he added his own two-cents.

With every comment, Aiden's body moved until he was hunched over, his forehead touching the ground. "Well, you guys really know how to make a guy feel wanted," he mumbled grumpily.

"We aim to please," Eirian and Roland replied.

"And we do our best…" Roland started.

"To make you feel better," Eirian continued.

"Got it?" They finished.

"So you better feel better, mister," Eirian added. "It means we're doing our job correctly, you know? And we like it when we do our job right."

"…Right…Right…" Aiden replied, rolling over to lie on his back. "By the way, where's the other cutie?"

"Cutie?" Eirian inquired.

"You mean, Kaelyn?" Roland continued.

"Yeah," Aiden replied. "Kae's been missing since we got here."

"She went off into the forest when we first got here. She said something about needing to get some supplies or something," Maeve supplied. "I wasn't really paying too much attention to what she was saying at the time. It didn't really seem important."

"Yeah," Nyx commented, "but she's been gone for hours She should've been here by now, you know? Think something happened?"

"Nah," Maeve replied, waving her hand absent-mindedly. "Kae can take care of herself. She's a big girl now, you know. "

"But still…." Nyx said, sighing. "I'd feel better if someone was with her. This forest's not safe at night." He rubbed the left side of his stomach as he said this. "Call me paranoid if you wish, but it'll make me feel ten times better if someone goes and gets her."

"Who wants to go?" Eirian asked softly.

"I will!" Roland chimed, raising his hand into the air. "This way, I can heal her if she has any injuries and I can get her back here…I hope."

"Want me to go with you?" Nyx asked, running a hand through his hair.

"Nope! I'll be fine," came the cheerful reply from the priest. An unspoken "I hope" hung in the air and was quickly taken away with the wind. "Trust me on this one."

"…Trust you?" Eirian asked, looking to her unrelated twin. "Last time we trusted you, you managed to blow up the kitchen trying to boil water."

"But, it was an accident!" Roland spluttered, a small blush spreading across his cheeks. "I wanted to try to cook something nice for Valentine's Day, but…."

"It was a disaster," Aiden commented. "So, should we really trust you?"

"Yeeeeeeeeeeesssssssssssssssssssssss…" Roland replied, his fingers brushing against each other nervously. He looked up at the others. "I promise I won't do anything stupid while on my journey to get Kaelyn. Scouts' honor."

"…You're not a scout," Maeve commented.

"Whaaaaaaaaaat!? Does that mean I can't use scouts' honor?"

"Yep."

"Damn."

"No cursing."

"…."

"Roland. Get going."

"Fine…"

ELSEWHERE

A blacksmith sat on a rather large rock, glaring at the thing in front of her. Onyx eyes met hazel, both of them burning with a passion. Neither was going to back down.

"I can't lose this…" the blacksmith muttered under her breath. "He stole my item and I want it back. I need it back, and this thing is not going to come with us if I lose." Her eyes widened marginally as she attempted not to blink.

No. She wasn't going to lose. She needed to win this competition no matter what. I guess you could call it a life or death situation, she thought with a sigh. I just want to know when this thing is going to give up and when I can finally leave.

Kaelyn Kimberly Dobb had been sitting in the same spot for an hour now, stuck in the middle of a staring contest. It had to be, in her opinion, the most boring hour of her entire life.

Well, let's not get into that just yet.

The sound of bushes hitting each other could be heard in the small clearing Kaelyn was currently located. The girl resisted the temptation to blink and had to keep herself from turning around to see what had made the noise.

It didn't take long for her to find out who the noisy person was, for the sound of footsteps hitting the ground quickly echoed through the small clearing and a pair of slim arms suddenly wrapped around her neck. She spluttered at the sudden movements and blinked, falling over on the one who had dared to grab her.

"Ouch!"

"ROLAND!"

"What did I do!?"

Kaelyn rolled off her friend and turned her head to glare at him. "You're a God damned idiot! What the hell were you thinking, sneaking up behind me like that!? You MADE me LOSE!"

The priest blinked. "Lose what? And why is there a Poring sitting over there?"

"You made me lose my staring contest, that's what!"

"…Staring contest...?"

"Yes! Staring contest!"

"…With a Poring?"

"Yes!"

"Why?"

"He stole my unripe apple! I was saving that!"

"…Why?"

"Because! I was going to give it to Eirian for her birthday, but this THING ATE IT!"

"We can get her another one?"

"…UGH!"

"Are you alright?"

"NO!"

"Care to explain, dear?" Roland asked softly, wrapping an arm around her shoulders to help pull the blacksmith closer to him. "You're clearly very annoyed, angry, frustrated, upset. You name it, you're probably feeling it."

"…" The blacksmith mumbled something inaudible.

"What was that? I didn't hear you."

"The Poring's coming with us. I told it that if I won, it'd give me back my unripe apple, but if he won, then he could come with us."

"Why would you do that? You hate Porings."

"I didn't think I would lose. And I wasn't going to either, until you came along and scared me half to death."

Roland grinned. "Just trying to get you to heaven sooner, Hun."

"Don't call me Hun. We're not dating. on…Go grab Donahue and let's go."

"…Donahue…?"

"Yes. Donahue."

"You know what? Never mind. You grab 'im and let's go."

"Why me!?"

"You named him. You get to take care of him too. That means you can feed him, carry him, and watch him grow while giving him a lot of love."

"…Really!? Yes!"

"…"

Roland grinned, scooping the Poring up into his arms. "Alright then. Follow me! I'll take you to the others."

"…Are you sure you know where you're going?"

"……No…"

"Right. Thought so. Follow me."

And so, the two trudged through the forest until they reached the mismatched group of friends.

"Yo!" Kaelyn called, raising her hand in greeting, taking in the scene before her. She linked when her eyes fell on Eirian and Nyx, both of whom were in the middle of a wrestling match. "What the hell's going on here?"

"You really don't wanna know," Aiden called over his shoulder.

"Nice to see you again, Kae. We thought you might have been lost with Roland as your guide."

Roland's exclamation of "Hey!" went unheard as Kaelyn started to speak. "Yeah. We almost did, but luckily I remembered where you guys were supposed to be and was able to lead us here."

"Thank God for that," Maeve agreed with a grin. She paused, her eyes roaming from Kaelyn to Roland. "Is that…what I think it is?"

"Yes. I think it is what you think it is."

"Am I delusional?"

"Didn't think so."

"Right. Just checking."

Aiden waved the two over. "Come. Sit. We have enough room for you, and look at the free entertainment, provided by our resident rogue and priestess."

"Ok. By the way, who's winning?"

"Nyx, I believe."

"I put down 100 zenny on Eirian."

"Deal." 


End file.
